since the last post.

voice hasn't gotten too much better, but i got rid of what was left of the cold-type-thing i had, and it's a new week, so who knows.

my little niece is in the hospital. she's been in the ICU for a week. when she first went in, her oxygen levels were way too low, and her bloodwork was a mess. i think the original diagnosis was pneumonia, but the breathing stuff was so bad they had her on a ventilator (which meant she had to be sedated, which meant her blood pressure kept dropping). the bottom part of her left lung had collapsed...i don't know exactly what that means, but it doesn't sound great. they tried weaning her off the vent, but they ended up turning it all the way back up, but i think it's down to 60% now.

later on this week, the dr. theorized that she might have a pseudomonas infection...that's basically a tough, antibiotic-resistant infection that you get in the hospital. like a staph infection. in her case, she probably got it from being on a ventilator...the bacteria is everywhere, but healthy, non-immunocompromised people just don't get sick from it.

i'm been googling this and reading the real stuff--stuff from peer-reviewed journals.

oh have i mentioned that she's only 7 years old? it's not fair. not fair to her, not fair to my sister and her husband, not fair to her sister and brother. it scares me. it's like every....i don't know....6 months maybe?...a really scary thing comes up with her (bad infection after having her feeding tube put in, scary bloodwork, this), and she recovers because she's a VERY tough girl, but NO ONE EVER GETS TO THE BOTTOM OF IT. and i understand that it's not like she has one underlying illness to point to, but i get so angry every time because it FEELS like people just kinda put a bandaid on it and move her along until the next time. the evidence points to that not being at ALL true--i'm not being logical at all, this is just how it feels to someone who lives thousands of miles away and gets her information thirdhand. it doesn't feel "okay" to me until all the questions are answered but, again, it's not like she has ____ (insert a condition: ms, cystic fibrosis, etc.). her "case" is just so complex.

speaking of cystic fibrosis, pseudomonas infections are common among people with CF who are on vents. i think that her not having it is working in her favor in terms of her recovery--i don't think she's generally considered immunocompromised. i looked up at a bunch of studies in peer-reviewed journals, and she has a lot of the characteristics that point to a better prognosis, and very few of the characteristics that point to a worse one. so that's good. but it's still not fair.

in other news, i've never wanted a period so bad in my life. i finally got my first (of the three i have to have before i can "try" again) 7 weeks after my d&c, and according to my old "schedule," i would be due today. however, neither my CM, my temps, or the dr. seem to think i ovulated this month, so i wondered if i'd get a period...and i saw the time when i can get pregnant slipping farther and farther away. then i had a little spotting today, and i practically wanted to throw a party. then it stopped. but maybe it's coming. if i skip a month, that'll set me back to trying in january rather than the end of december...i feel like i'm chasing a carrot that's tied to the back of a wagon....

i think that's it. i did a lot of cleaning and housework things this weekend. i'm actually doing something social this weekend and i think it must have sunk in because i had a brief period of anxiety about it. (and we're talking about a little slumber party here--not a big blowout). the cleaning was so the house would be cleanish without me rushing around to try to clean it before people come over. i can concentrate on food now...or...errr...i don't know what to do about that. well, i know I'LL be eating at any rate...

did i say i am not vegan any more? i miss it. i miss my soy. the dr. has been working with me on weight restoration before i try again (it couldn't hurt right?). he looked over my vegan menus...and it was WAAAAAAAAAAY too much soy. when i cut down soy, it was still too much soy and not enough protein. i'm supposed to eat 1 c. of full-fat ice cream every month (probably because of the link between full-fat dairy and improved ability to conceive) and have 2 big (NY-style) slices of pizza every 3 days for dinner. if i distract myself and try to rinse out the gross dairy aftertaste, it's okay. i miss soy terribly (i'm only allowed 2 servings a week--because of the link to breast cancer), and i hate having to take lactaid all the time.

peanut butter, almonds, walnuts, black beans, and chickpeas are my saviors. yum yum yum.

so...yeah. i'm planning on sticking with this until...i was thinking (in moments of I WILL DO ANYTHING AT ALL FOR BABY), but i don't know. i need to gain the weight (i've gained 11 lbs since last january, about 6 since i got pregnant). having a bmi of under 18.5 correlates to a MUCH higher miscarriage rate, and i'm well under that (for now). but maybe i can learn how to do it vegan. maybe in time i can work toward being a vegan that gets at least 70 g of protein a day. i'm already eating more nuts than i used to, and starting to work on beans. so maybe i can get there without soy (i don't like seitan, alas). or maybe once i reach a reasonable rate, the doctor will clear me to eat somewhat less protein.

i definitely still bake vegan. it's so easy to sub ener-g egg replacer for eggs, which gross me out. i made a vegan gingerbread today, yum.

anyway. if there are any vegans reading my journal, i hope you're not too disappointed. maybe you understand the feeling of NEEDING to do whatever you can (even though there is little you CAN do) to make the next baby stay.

i find myself wanting a girl. i wanted a boy before...or i just said that because i assumed i was pregnant with a boy, and i thought i'd get a head start on being psyched about the sex. around the time i lost it, i kept thinking girl...and i couldn't get "playboy mommy" out of my head. then i found out it was a girl, and now i find myself wanting a girl. that's a problem because, (1) you're not supposed to put everything on the subsequent baby, and (2) the next one is going to be a boy, and that's a wonderful thing, so i'd better just snap out of it.

i think i've written enough. good night all.