my breasts leaked today as i was laying in bed watching lifetime. they still feel so full. i actually found myself thinking the ridiculous thought "maybe it was a twin that was sucked out, and they just didn't look hard enough for the other one, who is healthy." ridiculous. apparently it happens.

i had an upsetting dream last night. i had teeth falling out (bottom molars). i think i lost about 4 in this one. one of them had a golfball-sized clump of matter attached to it, two were normal tooth loss, and one crumbled into pieces in my hand. i wondered if it was ever going to stop. wonder if i only have crumbling teeth dreams when i'm stressed. according to the google search i did as i couldn't slepe between 5:30 and 7:00, these dreams are really common. they can be about any of the following:
(1) fear of aging
(2) anxiety about appearance or how one appears to others
(3) relative or close friend is going to get sick or die
(4) anxiety about life changes
(5) painful loss of a permanent part of your life (or something you thought was permanent)
(6) loss of power & control in your life

etc etc.

(1) & (2) i don't think there's a fear of aging, appearance, public embarassment...well...actually i do have some anxiety about the beginning of the school year. going out into public when you've been nursing your very-raw wounds in a bubble is extremely scary. when i was in renfrew, i went straight from inpatient to SPX, and it was EXTREMELY difficult for me. i will still need support, but there's really no good way to work "i had a miscarriage and i'm having a horrible day" into a lunchtime conversation.

(3) i lost a relative last monday.

(4) i was already anxious about life changes before last week. i didn't allow myself to think about it, but i was freaked out about moving. i lived in that apartment with sean for 6 years--it's the only place we've lived together. last week, i automatically went home from group to the apartment rather than our house. it's a good change, but any change seems to freak me out.

i was anxious about bringing a child into the world--even ambivalent, if i'm a little nervous. yes, i had moments of "i'm not ready for this." i even consciously thought once or twice (if i remember correctly, the context was that i was freaking out at night about getting morning sickness), "i don't know if i'm ready for this. i bet if i miscarried this time, like so many other people seem to do, next time around i've be 100% sure and 100% ready and not so freaking out about this." guess i got what i "wanted." well, what i wanted about 0.0000000000001% of the time.

later on in the dream--or maybe it was before--i ran into lexie. she was a friend i had done a couple shows with, and i was pretty close with her my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. she was in love with jeff when we dated, and none of the three of us knew why he went that route rather than going for her. he never really liked me. anyway, about a week after they started to get together, he died in a car accident. on sean's birthday. there's probably some connection there to that loss. in the note i wrote jeff and put in his coffin, i promised to look after her. i broke my promise completely, and i have since lost touch. i'm sure there's no way of getting in touch now--she's probably married with a different name. i wonder why she was in the mix.

back to the list, sorry.

(5) i guess this is self-explanatory.

(6) i gave up the control over my intake, the eating disorder, for myself and for my baby. i gave up control over my body in order to be pregnant--i couldn't control whether or not i had fatigue, headaches, morning sickness, bizarre cravings. i accepted that (with anxiety). and i had no control over the life (and then death) inside of me.

i don't know the point of this post--but the tooth thing happens a lot for me. i'll know i'm going to lose one tooth (usually a molar on the bottom), and then i'll find another 2 or more teeth just fall out. the crumbling into my hands was a new component.

other than that...i'm just kind of zombie-like. maybe that's good. i would think that that was normal, a sign that i'm moving on, if it weren't for the crazy thought earlier today. i had to actually tell myself (don't remember if it was out loud or loudly in my head) that the pregnancy was over, that the baby was gone and will never come back. i guess it's an improvement upon convincing myself to ignoring decreasing hcg numbers.