So we're speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
i wanted to add to my "physical recovery" update here. my bleeding gradually decreased. by thursday (3/5), it was down to spotting. friday (3/6), it was completely gone and i was finally able to go pad-free. i have not had any spotting since.

on wednesday (3/4), my hcg was down to 29. i need to have just one more blood draw (i'm going this wednesday, 3/11) because it should be below 5 by then. supposedly it takes 4 weeks to get your period after you hit 0. i actually have a little poll going to see who can guess the day i'll get my period (i'm just desperate for something to do to pass the time). i'm guessing april 8. sean says april 7. i got a vote for the last week in march (that would be GREAT!).

unless this blood draw goes poorly (i stall out above 5), i'll then schedule an appointment for a consult on a sunday (i really don't think my doctor doesn't ever NOT work). it'll probably just be a talking thing...i don't know if they'll start doing the blood draws until my cycle is back to normal, but if i'm wrong that would be good because, as i said, i need some sort of markers to get me from now until the time i can try again (which will probably be june).

i wonder if i talk about this every year, but (1) i'm too lazy to check right now and (2) it, unfortunately, becomes all the more true each year: i HATE march. i hate it. first, it's a LONG month. 31 days, and (unless easter or passover are abnormally early) we have no days off. it seems to be one of the more challenging times of year management-wise as well. second, daylight savings time starts. yes, it's only an hour of sleep, but (a) it always comes at the end of a week that demands extra rest, and (b) i have a TERRIBLE time adjusting to it because i'm just not a person who can say "oh hey i'd better go to bed early tonight" and expect her body to obey. it just doesn't work that way.

third, we have my birthday. my birthday used to be a reminder of another year of my wasted youth, a reminder that i don't have any friends, and things of that sort. now it's a reminder of the fact that i'm not getting any younger and i have yet to carry a child to term.

it's also exactly a week from what SHOULD be my due date with carlin. i should be 37w5d carlin and 7w4d with mellen.

four days after that, it's the 4 year "anniversary" of losing my dear animal companion (and, honestly, best friend) bobo.

four days after that, mercifully, april arrives. i'm not nuts about april 1 though (weird long story connected to my phobia). but i will be SO glad for april 2 to be here.

i don't know if i'm just tired, if i'm slightly anemic from the blood loss (although i know it was minimal compared to other natural miscarriages), or if i'm depressed, but i'm having a rough time. the only thing making me think it's not depression is that i'm not even tempted to restrict and i haven't self-injured. but i just kind of drag along through the day, trying to conserve my energy as best i can, taking so much effort to appear normal and be pleasant for my students. i'll find myself in the bathroom for my pre-9th-period pottybreak, just telling myself it's just another hour or two or whatever to go (depending on whether i have to stay after that day). it feels like i felt when i had pregnancy symptoms, but i'm not pregnant.

and times that i'm feeling okay, i'll still hearing myself thinking "i want to kill myself" or "i wish i were dead." i haven't crossed that line that lets me know FOR CERTAIN that i'm depressed....and there is a point at which it does become certain for me....but they don't feel all that invasive. i'm not making plans obsessively, but i'm not shocked at the thoughts. it seems natural to be thinking them. i'm not panicking over how i'm going to get through the next 5 minutes, but i an overwhelmed by the thought of going through a workday.

i don't know.

23 days until april.

i've been realizing over the last few days that i am really in recovery. no BS. in fact, you could say i'm recovered. maybe if i gain a couple more and get over the magic 85% line...but that's really not that far away. i haven't even been tempted to restrict after this second miscarriage. if that's not proof, i don't know what is.

back to that. okay, i found it really helpful to read stories of miscarriages on blogs like waiting for a miscarriage, waiting to miscarry, and babydust. i got even more detail in a thread on the mothering.com forums.

so i decided to give an account of my own. if you're squeamish, skip this next part.

2/1 (11 dpo) faint positive!!

2/2 (12 dpo) another positive! blood test revealed hcg was 50 and progesterone was 41.2. i don't have to use progesterone suppositories! yay!

2/9 (19 dpo or 4w5d) hcg is 2042! yay!

2/11 (5w) despite a really crappy night of sleep, i'm awake and not walking around like a zombie for the first time since my BFP. i also finally make a decent poo (i get REALLY constipated from high progesterone). not sure if this is a wonderful thing or a terrible thing, but it didn't go unnoticed.

2/13 (5w2d) stood up after breakfast and felt a trickle.....checked it and it was thin, pinkish-brown. stayed home with my feet up. went into the doctor that afternoon for a blood draw to check my hcg. very very light spotting (staining really, not even spotting) continued until the evening.

2/14 (5w3d) got results: hcg was 2700 (only slightly up from 2042 on 2/9). this is bad news. doctor wants to do a repeat blood draw on monday (2/16) and possibly an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. i am certain it's not ectopic, but whatever. very light spotting returned

2/16 (5w5d) hcg is 1450. it's over. ultrasound reveals a gestational sac (in the uterus) that measures 4w3d. the doctor sits me down and give me options (d&c or wait, and if things aren't progressing i could take a shot of methotrexate). i choose to wait. he seems to be concerned that that'll be bad for me emotionally, but i don't have a problem with it. i just don't want to have general anesthesia and a tube down my throat and surgery and the feeling of low blood pressure when i wake up and that weird parkinsons-like thing i get in my legs when i'm anxious. i'd rather just wait. i hope i can do it naturally.

there's only like a 5% chance of having two miscarriages in a row.

the dr. talks to me about the plan. now i'm a recurrent miscarrier, so it's time to "put our helmets on" and do testing. i'll have to pass this, then have one period, then i think we'll start testing the following cycle. it's all blood tests. when i mention that my mom has a retrovert uterus and my sis had a septate uterus, he said we could do a hystosomethingogram but that would be another cycle. part of me just wants to try again right away...just one more time...because i know this is going to be a long 4-month wait.

it seems like a luteal phase defect is possible given my history of abnormal bleeding and the eating disorder. having good progesterone at the very beginning doesn't rule it out. that would be easy enough to treat.

still, there's only about a 50% chance that we'll find any particular cause.

that night, i go into the city to spend the night with my sis and mom and see mamma mia. sean is going to meet up with a friend to see a movie. when it's time for him to leave, i completely lose it and can't stop sobbing in the hotel lobby, because i'm just not ready to be away from him. we end up going home.

2/17 - 2/22 light spotting. i have probably 3 episodes in which i think that things are getting started. the spotting gradually turned redder and got slightly heavier. but i distinctly remember thinking "okay this is happening" several times, and i was wrong.

2/23 go back to work after having the week before off. after work, go to dr. for another blood draw.

things seem to get SLIGHTLY heavier that night--probably after being on my feet all day. i start to see some clots.

2/24 dr. calls--my hcg only dropped to 1100 (from 1450 the week before). things are not progressing. i should have a d&c or shot of methotrexate. i choose the shot. the dr. says he needs to double-check on the protocol, and he'll talk to me the next day.

bleeding is heavier today, and there are lots of little clots. i'm REALLY surprised my bloodwork didn't reflect this...i'm confused, really.

i start to research methotrexate. the more i read, the more afraid i am. i start to pray that i'll miscarry naturally overnight.

2/25 bleeding is SO heavy today. oh my god. my back feels tight all day. by about 11 am, i'm soaking a pad an hour. i debate going home, but i keep saying "just get through ___." eventually i realize i'd be wasting a half day for just a couple hours. i don't leave the piano bench during 6th grade chorus as i gush. i talk to the school nurse, and she said it still seems within the "normal" (not hemorrhaging) range, but if it's still like this tonight to call the doctor. i get a tall stool to sit on for 7/8th grade chorus, and i'm terrified it's going to leak out all over. in the middle of teaching (not sure if it was 7/8 chorus or the make-up lesson i was teaching in self-help), i feel a particularly big gush.

i go straight home, shower, and put my feet up. before getting in the shower, i see that what i felt come out wasn't a gush of blood, but solid material. i basically passed whatever placenta/fetal material there was in the middle of teaching. (i'm pretty badass). i rinse it off and look at it for a while. it's maybe an inch in diameter, not spherical, and very solid. it looks like meat...liver maybe. i examine it, but decide against cutting into it to look for the gestational sac. what purpose would it serve? i flush it.

the doctor calls at 8:30, and i cut him off right away to say that i really do think i passed it today. he chides me for not calling him. what is he gonna do? say, "good job...keep miscarrying! go girl" why bother? he asks me to come in for another blood draw in the morning.

2/26 i stay home, mainly to avoid embarrassment from the amount of blood i'm gushing. besides, it seems like the bleeding is slightly more manageable when i'm laying down. the heating pad and i are best friends by now.

i get my results at night: hcg is only 300 (down from 1100 on 2/23). this is really good news. i don't need the shot.

2/27 i go to work. i probably get about 2 hours out of a pad, maybe. by now, i'm sick of bleeding and slightly sore from wiping.

2/28 i stay off my feet for most of the day, but i'm very crampy. at night, we go to the grocery store, and i feel like i'm bleeding SO heavily...i assume it's from standing up. when i get home, i see that i passed another small piece of tissue. (when i'm talking about tissue, i'm not talking about blobby clots...i'm talking SOLID chunks of stuff).

3/1 FINALLY i start to see the bleeding slowing down. it's like normal heavy period stuff...not the crazy running faucet. i stay off my feet for most of the day, and then we go to the mall for a big, and it doesn't pick up a lot.

3/2 snow day! i stay off my feet, and i notice the blood is getting browner and i'm getting a good 4 hours out of a pad now.

so that's where i stand. i'm going to get another blood draw on wednesday or thursday--i'm hoping it'll be below 50.

i think i get my period 2-6 weeks after it hits 0. i'm predicting my first period will be around easter. i'm looking at not behind able to try again until june. sigh.

other than that...i'm a little concerned that i'm anemic. i don't want to be melodramatic--people lose WAY more blood than me when they have later miscarriages--but i am VERY tired all the time. i've been napping between 4 and 6 the last few days, and i haven't had ANY trouble sleeping at night. this is unlike me.

as for the emotional stuff....i still don't know. i just don't know. i think i might have been using the "need to document all the physical stuff" as an excuse not to think about my feelings, so that's out of the way now. now what?

if you googled this because you're going through a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. i hope this helps.

there's a new star in the night sky

it's been quite a while since i've updated, and i guess for now i'll stick with the big thing.

mellen (little pleasant one) luke (light)

i've had another miscarriage. i didn't really tell as many people about it in unlocked places on the internet...not because i was vowing to wait until second trimester (in fact, maybe i knew i wouldn't make it anywhere near there), but because i just hadn't had the chance yet.

again, it started so good. i was cleared (weight-wise and in terms of recovery from the d&c) to start trying in december. i didn't get pregnant the first month, which is probably a good thing because we both ended up EXTREMELY ill with a stomach virus over the new year, and i was running a high fever even after taking tylenol. we were pathetic, and it was actually kind of traumatizing to both of us: me, because of the emetophobia (i took 2 of my 3 remaining zofran pills, and i know that's the only thing that saved me) and sean because that was the sickest he has EVER been, poor thing.

we recovered and, much to our excitement, my most fertile days fell on MLK's birthday and obama's inauguration day. on february 1, at 11 days past ovulation, i got an extremely faint positive. i was going to wait it out to see if it was a chemical pregnancy, but the line got darker the next day, and i ended up calling the doctor. my hcg at 12 dpo was 50 (good) and my progesterone was 41.2 (excellent), which meant i didn't have to go on progesterone suppositories (which i HATED last time). a week later (2/9), my hcg (which was supposed to double about every 48-72 hours) was 2040. i was PSYCHED!

and i had SYMPTOMS! i was sooooooooooooooooooo tired. so crazy tired. like zombie tired. and i was smelling things. i have a weak sense of smell, so i'd say that pregnancy brought me up to a normal sensitivity to smells. and i craved eggs like nobody's business, which is just disgusting. (i ate them anyway). i was constipated too. but mostly--i was constantly yawning and dragging my feet everywhere. but i couldn't sleep.

i didn't FEEL nervous though. i felt more laid back than i would have expected.

on february 13, at just 5 weeks and 2 days, as i was getting ready to leave for work, i felt something wet. it was a couple drops of pinkish-brown blood. i started tearing up because i didn't know what to do, and i didn't know what to do about work (it's a real taboo to be out the day before or after a vacation, and february break started the following day). i called into work, and my coworker told me to stay home and she'd talk to our principal for me. my doctor told me to put my feet up and rest, and he'd call once he got through an emergency c-section. i didn't end up going to the doctor until 1:30, and he just did a quick blood draw. i stopped spotting by the evening, but i really didn't have a good feeling about it.

the next day (valentine's day), i got the bad news: in 4 days, my hcg had gone from 2040 to 2700. it was probably over. i mean you can't say "definite" until you get a drop, but it was awful early in the pregnancy to have that kind of slow down. he was concerned about it being an ectopic pregnancy, but i really doubted that (i had no pain at all, and they really aren't all THAT common).

on monday, he did another blood draw in the morning and an ultrasound in the afternoon (which i'm thankful for--i think it was important for me to see some sort of evidence that this pregnancy was real). i had continued to spot starting saturday night, and i worried that i had passed what was left of the gestational sac, and then the doctor would assume it was ectopic when he didn't find anything on the ultrasound. (he would have given me a shot of methotrexate--it didn't seem like the side effects are too bad, but i wanted to try to let this happen naturally).

we did find a sac on the ultrasound--one measuring 4 weeks 3 days, not 5 weeks 5 days. also, my hcg had dropped to 1450. apart from flukes like "vanishing twin syndrome," a pregnancy does not survive a drop in hcg until much much much later on in the pregnancy, well past the time when you'd even bother measuring hcg. it was a very clear miscarriage.

the doctor had really pushed the d&c last time because my hcg had gotten high enough that there would be a decent amount of tissue in there. i was afraid of labor pains and transition-like pain and vomiting, and that outweighed my fear of general anesthesia. (interestingly, after the d&c, he said to me "this was NOT a good pregnancy--there was hardly any blood," so maybe i would have survived "expectant management). i got through the d&c, but honestly it was traumatic because of my phobia, and because i did that weird thing where i get the parkinson-like movements and can't sleep and then start freaking out...

this time, he seemed to favor the d&c, but he said i could definitely do it naturally and it would probably just be a heavy period (but i might have a very long wait that could be hard on me psychologically). i figured that this was CLEARLY a bad pregnancy, and my hcg never got that high, so i can do this.

and so i wait.

and wait.

i'm not finding the waiting as hard as some other women do. a lot of women want to be knocked out, sparing them the physical pain of cramping and the psychological pain of deciding what to do with a recognizable gestational sac and/or embryo....i totally understand that. but i didn't even make it to 6 weeks.

so i wait, knowing that if my body doesn't get to work clearing out my uterus, eventually i'll HAVE to have a d&c or else risk my future fertility. i think i have at least 2 weeks from the day the miscarriage was diagnosed (2/16), though, before he really starts to worry about infection or whatever.

i've been spotting for 10 days now (from 2/13), but today was more like a light period, and i got some red for the first time (apart from a couple very tiny and random clots). i've had a lot of false starts ("this is it. i think it's starting"), but today is the first time i'm starting to feel confident that i can do this on my own. it's just very slow going. but as long as i'm bleeding at least a little, i figure my body is working on it.

i have to go back for a blood draw every week until my hcg is below 5. after that, i'll wait for my first real period (which will probably come in 4-6 weeks, although it took 7 after i had the d&c). the following cycle we'll start the testing, because i'm now a "recurrent miscarrier." apparently the chances of 2 consecutive miscarriages with no live births in between is less than 5%. aren't i a special snowflake!

while i'm spouting useless statistics that clearly don't apply to me (e.g., only 15-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage): the chances are at least 50% that all that testing won't yield any answers. i could have a funky-shaped uterus (although that's supposedly more likely to affect things much later on in pregnancy), or i could have a luteal phase defect (if there is a found reason, this'll probably be it), or there's like a 1-2% chance it's some weird genetic or immunological or whatever exotic thing.

it'll be another month after that if i have that hystosomethinggram where they shoot dye in your fallopian tubes to look for structural abnormalities.

part of me is relieved that i have a doctor that goes with the "2 miscarriage" guideline to initiate testing (rather than the many doctors who make you wait until 3 to investigate), but part of me just wants to take advantage of the much-talked-about post-miscarriage super-fertility to try one more time, right away.

i will wait.

the first time, i said "i don't think i can go through this again." and i didn't mean the miscarriage--i meant the day of and the 24-48 hours following the d&c. this i can handle.

and i don't feel at ALL confident that my next pregnancy won't end in miscarriage, yet i want to try again. some people have 3, 4, 5, 6 miscarriages before they have children. and the only way to get there is to go through it. i know it's kind of callous to say that, and it implies that i just want a child and that i don't think there would have been anything special about the children who i never got to meet....

and that's not even a little bit true...i miss them...

but i definitely WON'T have a child if i don't work on it.

and then i think about most of my life...even as a teenager, i didn't know if i wanted kids, but deep down i thought it would be hubris to just assume that i could have children. maybe that's right...i can be incredibly intuitive. maybe i KNOW.

if that's the case, at some point i'll give up on having a biological child, and i'll get on an adoption waiting list. i'm concerned that i wouldn't be considered a good candidate because of my mental health history, but i'll cross that bridge when and if i come to it.

i'm at the babbling point now.

and i'm THINKING. i haven't done a lot of crying. i cried last friday and saturday, and i had a HUGE freakout on monday, but that's kind of it. i don't know if that's all there is, or if it hasn't hit me or if, like last time, the amount of sorrow is infinite, so crying doesn't really seem to bring me any closer to "okay." that's going to take some time to sort out. but yes, i'm intellectualizing now. maybe i'm still in shock, i don't know.

i'll update with my progress (or lack thereof), and more processing.

this really DID happen though, and i'm not ashamed about it, and i'm going to talk about it. i miss you, mellen luke. i really wanted you to stay.

i started to write this to kerry as a response to her comment (asking what my reasons were for wanting to have a baby), but as it got longer and longer i decide it was really more of a post, because this is good stuff for me to examine:

i didn't think i had a biological clock either...i went from "i'm not sure i'm ever going to want to have a baby" to "MUST GET PREGNANT ASAP" within a period of about 6 months. even as i started feeling it, it took me by surprise.

let me start with why i DIDN'T think i'd ever have a baby. first, after seeing what my sister and her husband went through in order to have children, i always thought it would be hubris for me to assume that i can just decide i want children and get them. i have a history of menstrual wackiness, and it took my sister years of trying and 2 in vitro fertilizations in order to become a mother. i really don't know that i'm strong enough to go through all of that, but i somehow knew that once i started trying, if i had trouble, i would end up going through some of the same things she did...and that really frightened me.

second, i had some serious concerns about myself as a mother--particularly my borderline tendencies. i probably don't need to even take the time to type out the details of my concerns--some of them i experienced on the child side of things, and other ones are my own unique brand of craziness that would be unfair to inflict on a child. i have been particularly concerned about having a girl, because of the eating disorder.

third, i didn't consider us financially stable enough to even consider it until i got tenure.

fourth, i doubted if i even WANTED a kid. and, of course, if you're not DYING to have a kid, choosing not to bring one into the world is the way to go.

okay, so now let's see what has happened to the top four reasons that has maybe children my mind:

(1) nothing has really happened to this...i went into it trying my best, but definitely hoping rather than assuming. i got pregnant right away, so that was reassuring. (of course, now my fear is that THAT was hubris, and now i'll have a terrible time conceiving).

(2) i've talked about this a lot in therapy, and i have gotten a lot of reassurance. a psychic told me (with little prompting) that i am much much more aware of what my issues are, and therefore much better equipped to deal with them rather than making it my child's problem. i plan to continue with therapy and any other treatment that i need to be healthy for myself and my child.

i also started thinking i'd probably have boys anyway.

(3) i got tenure.

(4) i was always afraid that i'd get past the age at which i could have a child, and then i'd seriously regret not having children. in fact, as year after year passed without an audible tick of a biological clock, i became more and more convinced that this is how it would be.

but, most importantly, i just suddenly wanted to have a baby.

when it comes right down to it, it wasn't logical. it wasn't a decision. i didn't make a list of "pros" that was longer than the list of "cons." i don't have an answer for why i want to have a baby...sure, i could put some advantages of having a baby into words, but when it comes down to it, it's ineffable. it's like answering the question "why did you fall in love with your husband?" i can name reasons, sure, but it isn't for a reason. it just is.

what came over me over the last year is a very powerful force.

since the last post.

voice hasn't gotten too much better, but i got rid of what was left of the cold-type-thing i had, and it's a new week, so who knows.

my little niece is in the hospital. she's been in the ICU for a week. when she first went in, her oxygen levels were way too low, and her bloodwork was a mess. i think the original diagnosis was pneumonia, but the breathing stuff was so bad they had her on a ventilator (which meant she had to be sedated, which meant her blood pressure kept dropping). the bottom part of her left lung had collapsed...i don't know exactly what that means, but it doesn't sound great. they tried weaning her off the vent, but they ended up turning it all the way back up, but i think it's down to 60% now.

later on this week, the dr. theorized that she might have a pseudomonas infection...that's basically a tough, antibiotic-resistant infection that you get in the hospital. like a staph infection. in her case, she probably got it from being on a ventilator...the bacteria is everywhere, but healthy, non-immunocompromised people just don't get sick from it.

i'm been googling this and reading the real stuff--stuff from peer-reviewed journals.

oh have i mentioned that she's only 7 years old? it's not fair. not fair to her, not fair to my sister and her husband, not fair to her sister and brother. it scares me. it's like every....i don't know....6 months maybe?...a really scary thing comes up with her (bad infection after having her feeding tube put in, scary bloodwork, this), and she recovers because she's a VERY tough girl, but NO ONE EVER GETS TO THE BOTTOM OF IT. and i understand that it's not like she has one underlying illness to point to, but i get so angry every time because it FEELS like people just kinda put a bandaid on it and move her along until the next time. the evidence points to that not being at ALL true--i'm not being logical at all, this is just how it feels to someone who lives thousands of miles away and gets her information thirdhand. it doesn't feel "okay" to me until all the questions are answered but, again, it's not like she has ____ (insert a condition: ms, cystic fibrosis, etc.). her "case" is just so complex.

speaking of cystic fibrosis, pseudomonas infections are common among people with CF who are on vents. i think that her not having it is working in her favor in terms of her recovery--i don't think she's generally considered immunocompromised. i looked up at a bunch of studies in peer-reviewed journals, and she has a lot of the characteristics that point to a better prognosis, and very few of the characteristics that point to a worse one. so that's good. but it's still not fair.

in other news, i've never wanted a period so bad in my life. i finally got my first (of the three i have to have before i can "try" again) 7 weeks after my d&c, and according to my old "schedule," i would be due today. however, neither my CM, my temps, or the dr. seem to think i ovulated this month, so i wondered if i'd get a period...and i saw the time when i can get pregnant slipping farther and farther away. then i had a little spotting today, and i practically wanted to throw a party. then it stopped. but maybe it's coming. if i skip a month, that'll set me back to trying in january rather than the end of december...i feel like i'm chasing a carrot that's tied to the back of a wagon....

i think that's it. i did a lot of cleaning and housework things this weekend. i'm actually doing something social this weekend and i think it must have sunk in because i had a brief period of anxiety about it. (and we're talking about a little slumber party here--not a big blowout). the cleaning was so the house would be cleanish without me rushing around to try to clean it before people come over. i can concentrate on food now...or...errr...i don't know what to do about that. well, i know I'LL be eating at any rate...

did i say i am not vegan any more? i miss it. i miss my soy. the dr. has been working with me on weight restoration before i try again (it couldn't hurt right?). he looked over my vegan menus...and it was WAAAAAAAAAAY too much soy. when i cut down soy, it was still too much soy and not enough protein. i'm supposed to eat 1 c. of full-fat ice cream every month (probably because of the link between full-fat dairy and improved ability to conceive) and have 2 big (NY-style) slices of pizza every 3 days for dinner. if i distract myself and try to rinse out the gross dairy aftertaste, it's okay. i miss soy terribly (i'm only allowed 2 servings a week--because of the link to breast cancer), and i hate having to take lactaid all the time.

peanut butter, almonds, walnuts, black beans, and chickpeas are my saviors. yum yum yum.

so...yeah. i'm planning on sticking with this until...i was thinking (in moments of I WILL DO ANYTHING AT ALL FOR BABY), but i don't know. i need to gain the weight (i've gained 11 lbs since last january, about 6 since i got pregnant). having a bmi of under 18.5 correlates to a MUCH higher miscarriage rate, and i'm well under that (for now). but maybe i can learn how to do it vegan. maybe in time i can work toward being a vegan that gets at least 70 g of protein a day. i'm already eating more nuts than i used to, and starting to work on beans. so maybe i can get there without soy (i don't like seitan, alas). or maybe once i reach a reasonable rate, the doctor will clear me to eat somewhat less protein.

i definitely still bake vegan. it's so easy to sub ener-g egg replacer for eggs, which gross me out. i made a vegan gingerbread today, yum.

anyway. if there are any vegans reading my journal, i hope you're not too disappointed. maybe you understand the feeling of NEEDING to do whatever you can (even though there is little you CAN do) to make the next baby stay.

i find myself wanting a girl. i wanted a boy before...or i just said that because i assumed i was pregnant with a boy, and i thought i'd get a head start on being psyched about the sex. around the time i lost it, i kept thinking girl...and i couldn't get "playboy mommy" out of my head. then i found out it was a girl, and now i find myself wanting a girl. that's a problem because, (1) you're not supposed to put everything on the subsequent baby, and (2) the next one is going to be a boy, and that's a wonderful thing, so i'd better just snap out of it.

i think i've written enough. good night all.

i'm worried about my voice. i've felt tired and "goopy" for the last couple of days, but no actual illness has developed, leaving me without an excuse for the haziness in my voice. i can feel it going. i can hear it too, but mostly i can feel it. i know my voice. if i'm not sick, then that would mean there's swelling, damage. it's so early in the year. i admit i've used it a LOT, but i was perfectly fine until this week. but that wouldn't rule out nodules--it can happen quickly. if it's not better (or i don't come down with an illness) by monday i guess i'll be going back to the ENT. i'm nervous.

i also had a frustrating day of trying not to have to deal with me sucking.

i've gained a good 11 pounds since this winter. i'm up to what i weighed when i left renfrew--just 3 lbs below 85%. i was slipping on the eating, so i didn't really expect to gain this week...so now that i did, i'm a little freaked out that i won't know what to do when it's time to stop gaining. i only have to go every other week now...which is good, because i tend to have to be an add-on, which means i have a long wait. dr. m said "come here" and then basically frisked me. i don't mean inappropriate touching, of course--he was checking to see how much fat i had on me. i said "wow this is just like when my husband hugs me and checks my ribs."

so...i started charting my BBT after i got a period...i just need something to do for the next couple of months. i used to ovulate on day 20. day 20 came and went without EWCM or a rise in temperature. ditto for day 21, 22, 23... i told the dr. about it and he said "if you haven't ovulated by day 20, you're not ovulating this month." i don't know if i've ever not ovulated. i told him that i got a period every month, even when i was at my lowest weight, and asked if it was possible that the only thing making me get a period was my crazy-high consumption of soy. he said "absolutely--that's estrogen. if you eat enough, the body will trick the pituitary gland into thinking the levels are high enough."

now i'm like....what now? what if i don't get a period? i've been consuming large amounts of soy for YEARS. and now i'm worried, of course, that i'll have trouble conceiving. he said that if the 3 months go by and i don't ovulate, he'll do something to trigger (i'm not sure if he meant a period or ovulation), and if that doesn't work, i'll do clomid. but he doesn't think that it'll come to that, so that's hopeful.

i just feel so crappy about myself. i'm hideous and incompetent and why would anyone look to me to lead them or teach them?